Welcome to the SOC?AL

Vrrr... Vrrrr.... Vrrrrrr.... Vrrrrrroooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmm....
Life could zip by you even before you get the faintest clue.

What exactly do I mean by that?? Well just expressing how fast things can change around you. A friend of mine once told me... whether life moves fast or slow, its all relative (to how fast you move)!! For an introvert, the change can be overwhelming !

We were taught in school - 'Mans a social animal'. Doesn't matter if you think ur an introvert, u'd still need someone around him; you just can't be alone, cos its just not possible. This is best expressed by Tom Hank's attempts to get back to the city in movie 'Cast Away'. Everyone of us will have their mood swings, will wanna be alone, but after that whaT? The idea sunk in only this early.

Theres a myriad of ways to connect - blogs, social networking sites, chat messengers, mobiles, SMSs, emails - tools to save you building the boat to get back to the mainland. You never know you might find something to hang to for a brief moment in time. Its only a matter of 'when' you sense that and 'want' to go back.

We returned this morning - Toffee and I, after a night out in the streets of New york - the city of people. As you walk those streets, watch people around you - some laughing, some just having a fag, some indulging in puppy love while others goin crazy, some lost, some mouthing obscenities, some just wanting to achieve a straight walk or talk, whichever.. whatever.
You'd think - 'these are all real people... all of them...'

The first pub we visited, [which by the way was Toffee's idea of showcasing his cheap skates - $10 for 5 shots of any alcohol ;o)], I saw this man head-banging, the pair of men women exchange, occasional dancing to the sound of beating music, a deafeningly noisy floor jam packed with ppl. Another pub we wnt to had karaoke and boy it was fun watching them sing and dance. Toffee too did a number 'Common baby light my fire' by 'tHe dOOrs' which, by btw I think, was better than most others. and then...
the thought continues - 'people... all these people that are out here... are here just to steal some moments off of their 'everyday lives' and have a good time and be 'happy' while the night lasts.' - a single thread seemed to run through all.



I have an interesting thought around why world preached - 'say no to alcohol' - its a conspiracy - it doesn't wanna hear the truth, and thats all you get - just plain and simple (and sometimes HARD) truth when you hold that glass. I wondered what my reasons were to take on to alcohol - guess its was frustration and anger from work last year. Sometime from now, I might think of its as an excuse to spend a good time with ppl. I still have to be pulled into joining the rest of them though.

If you ever thought as I did, you'd think we all have 2 personalities at least - one what the world sees us as, and the other is what you know about yourself. All these days, I've worked to gel these 2 personalities. I am on the verge of taking a U-Turn here. May be theres a reason why I thought the way I thought of the 2 personalities. Sometimes, maybe its just better to forget your self... for just a little while... lighten up and greet the world with your arms wide open, embrace the love that you get in these tiny packets of time while you can. You may not find the perfect 'true happiness' but you'll realize you were not sad either and that those moments were indeed moments of happiness.

Rahul, Welcome to the SoC?aL !

Demands of an AgoraSocioPhobic

Before I can put together this blog, I have to search for a word that describes my condition when having dinner in a restaurant with a group of 11 folks who live in my neighbourhood.

Not bad, it did not take me long to find a word. Bad news is - it ain't a complete match - Sociophobic - fear of society or socializing? May be but my guess is not always.

Flashback...
3 45 . 4 5 6 4 4 2 4 5 4 634 2 . 3 5 4 52 . 4354 3 4 24 3 5 3 24 3 5 4 5 343 5 4 53 ~ 4 3 46 43 5 4 6 . 34 3 543 . 4 3 25 4 5 3 4 3 5 45 3 5 4 63435 3 4 3 53 5 6 4 5 6 545 3 4 3 5 44 34 5 4 6 4 5 4 3 5 6 . 324 5 878 6 5 . 5378 8 9 8 65 554 3 4 345 3 4 53 5 | 4 5 43 3 5 53 55 53 5353 54 53 54 2 5 698 8 7 44 324 5 5 8 785 4 3 43 21 5 66 58 5 45 42 4 5 65 73 4 5 34 5 3 4 5 4 5 4 535 3 4 5 5 6 8 . 543 2 3 6 7 89 6 5 4 4325 6 7 7 6 52 4 5 8 6 5 4 2 3 4 865 43 2 3 4 4 6 798 7 3 4 . 34 56 97 0 6 6 54 2 5 6 5 60 7 6 5 3 2 78 6 5 5 2 3 87 62 3 55 355 35 2234 12 5 1 78 00 21 55 34 7 2 5 2

[wondering what those numbers mean ??? - trying my luck with the Matrix approach. Nah, ain;t drunk yet, still waiting for folks to join the party]

I've had a notorious history of being incapable of making any decisions, selections, choices etc When my family went out to shop, I would be the only kid who would not have purchased anything - unable to decide what to buy - either what I liked seemed to be outrageously expensive to me or nothing in the racks ever deserved to catch my attention. It might sound trivial, but for me it wasn't. I started despising the thought of shopping; dreading another embarrassing episode in the shopping store. The most recent episode that I can recall is 3 years back, when I was shopping before my deputation to Vashi. I could not zero in on a pair of shoes for over 2 months. I had practically roamed any and every shop selling shoes in Chennai but simply could not buy a single pair from the hundreds I must have seen. Now don't imagine I haven't secured one till date. I did... and I had written a blog about it then My search for the Perfect One end . I still have that very pair of shoes.

People who have come across me, will know me to be 'extremely' demanding if that's the best superlative they can find. I guess we all have a 'taste', but I seem to have a 'richer' one. It would be unlike me to settle for something 'I' consider mediocre. Maybe thats' how I've grown up - saddened by the fact that my elder brother got all attention, I crawled up in my own shell; took to hobbies which weren't the usual male things - sketching, cooking, arts and crafts etc. These activites require a lot of detailing. I guess, I was trying to liberate myself from the constant comparison between me and my brother by every damn soul around me; maybe this was the way the little me chose to get attention. After 24 years, I can only say, "I am conditioned to behave the way I behave. This is me."

Another behaviour I tend to showcase, which people can testify to is - "I get saturated with just about anything very early." Again, I tend to 'realize' the monotonousness of any activity much faster than most other individuals. Once I reach that point, I have to have something new, something different, else I get restless. I used to hate myself for being the way I was and having to hear people complain about me was pathetic. Life away from home in the past three years and meeting so many different kinds of people had brought me closer to my 'self'. Now I have got 'saturated' with all the embarrassment and self-kill... now I don't really care... You can call it ignorance... but I choose to say:

"t h a t 's    h o w    I    r e a l l y    a m    !!!"

Would you rather call me a sociopath, self-centered guy? I guess, it does not worry me now. If you knew the me about 15 years back, you'd know me to be the most talkative child in my entire family. I would talk to just about anyone. I still love to talk. The difference is I wouldn't open up to just about anyone. Its like shopping, you know what to look for in the wheres only after a series of [its not here]s - because you learn with every mistake. Sames the case with me, guess I got saturated of meeting the wrong people and naturally learnt to be careful and selective in whom I choose to share my thoughts, feelings - happy/sad with.

Taking a pick of some of the recent event since yesterday:
1. Going out to dine with a huge gang - Hated it
2. Have the same people over at home to drink with - Liked it
3. Go to Space Center NASA with a gang - Will Hate it
4. Go to a beach house with the same gang - May Like it

I know how 'I' will respond to events such as these. I 'hate' being pulled up in a gang, with all the sweet talk that I should join em.. blah.. blah. I could be misunderstood very easily here. I know and understand ppl care that's why they bother to ask. But there are 2 things to consider - 1. I feel suffocation in places I don't like to be 2. I would rather be happy if ppl knew how I felt in #1. See... thats' me - demanding.

Googling for my word all this time.... Hey I think they have a word - Agoraphobic - fear of places?? But is that the word? Nah... I think it ought to be AgoraSocioPhobic. You tell me !