"YOU WON'T UNDERSTAND NOW; BUT THERE WILL COME A TIME WHEN YOU WILL !!!"
I really did not when Mom and Dad repeated this for the zillionth time as I grew up under their watchful eyes. Seems like the time has come and reality as it occurs to me now 'reality really bites'.
I worked from home today; trying hard to complete my tasks so that I could be with Yash as he underwent surgery. My work appeared as an obstacle; I could not be there where I felt I needed to be. Guess I am waking up to yet another sight where things are no longer served on a platter. You can't get everything you want, as you want, when you want. As I kid I was always shielded from this 'reality'; my parents understood this and protected me from getting hit as much as they could. And I owe more than my life to them for that beautful childhood. Away from home, away from them, I am lost, scared now.
As a kid I guess, my biggest mistake was to have nurtured the illusion - 'When I grow older, I will run things my way.' Little did I realize then, that then was when I really did run things my way. All it took was - cacophony of my crying and a few tears to get to what I wanted. Now I crawl up in a corner and allow them to flow away with the shower, easily escaping the count. Five minutes back, it dawned on me that I cried not only for the time thats gone by - the days when I could imagine about the perfect peaceful world and not get an inch closer to reality; more so for the blows pa and ma took to provide for me and the rest of my family. I am not sure if I can ever display such courage of surviving in this world.
I figured we have limited vision when we look straight. You get in control when you rise above the plane; with a bird's eye view. I have no clue where I am heading. Quarter life crisis - interesting term they found for the state of this confusion too - what am i earning? is it enough ? will it be enough ? do I wanna study futher ? do I wanna get married ? should I be religious ? I dont even have the slightest cue of whether this is exactly why i am pissed off. My intellectual mind is giving me a hint - may be its that sickening email from some crazy asshole who is threatning to withold our increment/promotion letters. What do I do - lill' kid can't run to papa and cry; can't throw tantrums anymore. So who is gonna protect the kid now ? The show that ran for past 25 years suddenly has reached an end; and the kid is all guesses - What's my role now? Having said that I realize my problems are not the worst in this world and thinking of that makes me feel even more guilty - for having felt guilty in the first place over what someone more miserable has the right to say - 'hardly a thing to worry about'.
Feeling the misery, that I did over the past few hours, when I was scared, a thought crossed my mind - Moksha! May be thats the ultimate goal of life. If it really is then its the BEST SADIST game ever invented. For that one moment I felt I understood why one would want Moksha - to get off; to escape this miserable cycle of birth and death. For sometime now I have seen my self change from an atheist to an agnostic and now to someone who is even losing that ground of defence because he can't find absolutely no logic that explains it all - Life ? So I seek shelter now, willing to open my eyes to religion, wanting to learn to escape. And then when I try to work things out, I am forced to feel guilt for having surrendered to the pleasures of senses.
The other thought that crossed my mind was this - god and alcohol - one and the same. They are both a path to attainment of bliss. Yeah one may be for the real while the other is only ephemeral. Yet both offer me a way to get rid of all my worries, my frustrations and heighten me to the state where I can be carefree, dance and sing and experience joy.
Am I feeling any better now - as my post nears its end, as I have no more words to scribble? Yeah I could only consider my current state of mind as Yash's - as an affect of being under the influence of anaesthesia for as long as I can until I feel excruciating pain; until reality bites - again... and then again... endlessly.
