Not bad, it did not take me long to find a word. Bad news is - it ain't a complete match - Sociophobic - fear of society or socializing? May be but my guess is not always.
Flashback...
3 45 . 4 5 6 4 4 2 4 5 4 634 2 . 3 5 4 52 . 4354 3 4 24 3 5 3 24 3 5 4 5 343 5 4 53 ~ 4 3 46 43 5 4 6 . 34 3 543 . 4 3 25 4 5 3 4 3 5 45 3 5 4 63435 3 4 3 53 5 6 4 5 6 545 3 4 3 5 44 34 5 4 6 4 5 4 3 5 6 . 324 5 878 6 5 . 5378 8 9 8 65 554 3 4 345 3 4 53 5 | 4 5 43 3 5 53 55 53 5353 54 53 54 2 5 698 8 7 44 324 5 5 8 785 4 3 43 21 5 66 58 5 45 42 4 5 65 73 4 5 34 5 3 4 5 4 5 4 535 3 4 5 5 6 8 . 543 2 3 6 7 89 6 5 4 4325 6 7 7 6 52 4 5 8 6 5 4 2 3 4 865 43 2 3 4 4 6 798 7 3 4 . 34 56 97 0 6 6 54 2 5 6 5 60 7 6 5 3 2 78 6 5 5 2 3 87 62 3 55 355 35 2234 12 5 1 78 00 21 55 34 7 2 5 2
[wondering what those numbers mean ??? - trying my luck with the Matrix approach. Nah, ain;t drunk yet, still waiting for folks to join the party]
I've had a notorious history of being incapable of making any decisions, selections, choices etc When my family went out to shop, I would be the only kid who would not have purchased anything - unable to decide what to buy - either what I liked seemed to be outrageously expensive to me or nothing in the racks ever deserved to catch my attention. It might sound trivial, but for me it wasn't. I started despising the thought of shopping; dreading another embarrassing episode in the shopping store. The most recent episode that I can recall is 3 years back, when I was shopping before my deputation to Vashi. I could not zero in on a pair of shoes for over 2 months. I had practically roamed any and every shop selling shoes in Chennai but simply could not buy a single pair from the hundreds I must have seen. Now don't imagine I haven't secured one till date. I did... and I had written a blog about it then My search for the Perfect One end . I still have that very pair of shoes.
People who have come across me, will know me to be 'extremely' demanding if that's the best superlative they can find. I guess we all have a 'taste', but I seem to have a 'richer' one. It would be unlike me to settle for something 'I' consider mediocre. Maybe thats' how I've grown up - saddened by the fact that my elder brother got all attention, I crawled up in my own shell; took to hobbies which weren't the usual male things - sketching, cooking, arts and crafts etc. These activites require a lot of detailing. I guess, I was trying to liberate myself from the constant comparison between me and my brother by every damn soul around me; maybe this was the way the little me chose to get attention. After 24 years, I can only say, "I am conditioned to behave the way I behave. This is me."
Another behaviour I tend to showcase, which people can testify to is - "I get saturated with just about anything very early." Again, I tend to 'realize' the monotonousness of any activity much faster than most other individuals. Once I reach that point, I have to have something new, something different, else I get restless. I used to hate myself for being the way I was and having to hear people complain about me was pathetic. Life away from home in the past three years and meeting so many different kinds of people had brought me closer to my 'self'. Now I have got 'saturated' with all the embarrassment and self-kill... now I don't really care... You can call it ignorance... but I choose to say:
Would you rather call me a sociopath, self-centered guy? I guess, it does not worry me now. If you knew the me about 15 years back, you'd know me to be the most talkative child in my entire family. I would talk to just about anyone. I still love to talk. The difference is I wouldn't open up to just about anyone. Its like shopping, you know what to look for in the wheres only after a series of [its not here]s - because you learn with every mistake. Sames the case with me, guess I got saturated of meeting the wrong people and naturally learnt to be careful and selective in whom I choose to share my thoughts, feelings - happy/sad with.
Taking a pick of some of the recent event since yesterday:
1. Going out to dine with a huge gang - Hated it
2. Have the same people over at home to drink with - Liked it
3. Go to Space Center NASA with a gang - Will Hate it
4. Go to a beach house with the same gang - May Like it
I know how 'I' will respond to events such as these. I 'hate' being pulled up in a gang, with all the sweet talk that I should join em.. blah.. blah. I could be misunderstood very easily here. I know and understand ppl care that's why they bother to ask. But there are 2 things to consider - 1. I feel suffocation in places I don't like to be 2. I would rather be happy if ppl knew how I felt in #1. See... thats' me - demanding.
Googling for my word all this time.... Hey I think they have a word - Agoraphobic - fear of places?? But is that the word? Nah... I think it ought to be AgoraSocioPhobic. You tell me !
1 comment:
It was excellent piece of stuff. Believe me, while reading, i was wondering if it me. Sociopath, take on alcohol, brother thing--all these things i was able to relate.
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